Speaking in Definitives: How It Shapes Our Perspective and How to Shift It

Have you ever caught yourself saying things like:

"I always mess this up."

"Nothing ever works out for me."

"Everyone is against me."

These are what I call definitive statements — strong, absolute phrases that leave no room for nuance, growth, or possibility. And while they might feel true in the moment, speaking in definitives can quietly limit our potential and keep us stuck in patterns that no longer serve us.

What Are Definitives?

Definitives are words like always, never, everyone, no one, impossible, forever, and can’t.

They build walls around how we think, feel, and interact with others.

And if you're on a healing or growth journey, these subtle phrases can keep you from seeing the opportunities right in front of you.

My Personal Story with Definitives

After facing challenges in my life — moments of instability, tough relationships, and working in environments where empathy was often missing — I found myself repeating these phrases without even noticing.

The loudest one in my head?

"I have to do it all myself."

At first, it felt like strength. But over time, I realized that mindset was keeping me overwhelmed, exhausted, and disconnected from people who genuinely wanted to help.

I remember being on my yoga mat during teacher training, struggling in a pose, and thinking:

"I’ll never be strong enough to hold this."

But instead of letting that thought win, I paused and asked:

"What if strength is built with practice?"

That shift — from definitive to possibility — changed everything.

Definitives About Other People

It’s not just about how we speak to ourselves. We also use definitives to define other people:

"He always says no."

"She’s always rude."

"They never appreciate me."

When we lock others into these boxes, we stop giving them space to grow, surprise us, or show up differently. And we close ourselves off from connection.

How to Shift the Definitives —

For Ourselves and Others

1. Catch the Thought

Notice when definitive words pop up. That awareness alone is powerful.

2. Pause and Question

Ask yourself:

"Is this true all the time, or just sometimes?"

"Has this person or situation ever surprised me?"

3. Look for Exceptions

Start noticing moments that don’t fit the story you’ve been telling.

4. Shift to Curiosity

Replace definitive thoughts with questions like:

"I wonder why they reacted that way?"

"What else could be true here?"

5. Breathe and Reset Your Energy

Before responding to someone you’ve labeled in a definitive way, take a breath. Approach with fresh energy instead of expectation.

6. Speak with Compassion

Remember: definitive statements are often born from pain or fear. Whether about yourself or someone else, meet them with compassion.

What Happens When We Shift?

When I started shifting these narratives, everything changed:

"I have to do it all myself" became "It’s safe to receive support."

"She’s always difficult" became "Maybe she’s struggling. I can hold space without absorbing that energy."

"They never appreciate me" became "I appreciate myself first. Others may show gratitude in ways I haven’t noticed."

This doesn’t mean ignoring harmful patterns — it means freeing yourself from rigid thinking and making space for growth, in yourself and others.

Speaking in definitives keeps us trapped in small, fixed stories. But healing and growth come when we open those stories to color, nuance, and possibility.

Next time you hear yourself say "They always…" or "I never…," pause and ask:

"Is that really true — or is it just a story I’ve told myself for protection?"

You are more than your hardest moments. And so are the people around you.

You are not alone. You don’t have to do it all yourself. And no one has to stay trapped in the role you’ve given them. We are all evolving — one breath, one moment, one choice at a time.